I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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