fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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