I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
