I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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