those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You are the jesus of drinking
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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