I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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