Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
