yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
