you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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