Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
