I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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