I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
