Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
