im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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