At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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