i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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