Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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