honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
