so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
where are you?
Hypothermia
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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