How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
