all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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