he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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