im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
