I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
