Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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