Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
