you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
