Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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