Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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