New low: just hacked my moms facebook
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
