I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
