At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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