Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
