and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
