She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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