He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
