it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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