I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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