Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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