I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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