I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
