She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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