Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
