Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
