I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
