well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
