Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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