Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
