By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize