I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
