Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
