So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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