Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize