I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
