i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
