apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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