You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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